stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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