i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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