so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
