Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Randomize
