I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
