Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
