Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
