Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
