Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Randomize
