I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
