fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
