she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
then he tried to convert me to islam
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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