I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
