she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
