you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
