Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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