i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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