If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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