hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
