I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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