i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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