She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
