Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
