If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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