Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
the liver wants what the liver wants
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
