that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
