She said her name was "party"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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