It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
