I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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