Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
and she was petting her beer can
so let's talk penis.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
