update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
