Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I wish there were birth control emojis
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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