dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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