come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize