I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Terrible idea I love it
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
