Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
