you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize