I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
