the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
