I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
