No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
