genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
