My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
