I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
