i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
