I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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