So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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