Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
