he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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