I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
