He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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