I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Randomize
