Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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