you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
