I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
