We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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